What's next

On July 2nd, I went to meet folks in West LA office. This office houses fixed income -- investment group, traders, settlement, and related groups. Last year, I worked with this group on a leveraged loan project and had really enjoyed my time with them. Partially because I enjoyed the intellectual stimulation, partially because I liked developing into an esoteric subject matter expert, and partially because there was constantly free food in the office. :) On that Thursday, I happened upon some news that they were looking to temporarily fill a role there. Fortunately for me, after some discussions, an interview, and some soul searching -- I was informed that come October, I will be working for six months as a Money Market Trader. Given my quest for passion in my life, you can imagine my excitement at this news!

Meanwhile, my assignment in DC is coming to a close this Friday. The experience here, combined with some timely conversations with friends (old, new, and renewed), has opened my eyes to personal qualities that I had forgotten, had tried put aside, or that needed a little kick to get restarted.

• Stubborn tendencies.
  People sometimes perceive me as unwilling to budge on a decision, and therefore assume I am stubborn. Or, I seem stubborn because I'm unwilling to back out when being pushed into a corner. In my own mind, these perceived times of stubbornnes often arise when the other person lacks some context of the situation. Ideally, I should clue in the other person on the other facts so (1) we can have a more engaged conversation and (2) resolve the perception of my stubbornness. Unfortunately, a lack of motivation ("laziness") keeps me from clarifying because being labelled stubborn is an easier way out than explaining my position. What do I get out of being stubborn? Nothing. Thinking about it after repeated inquiries from different friends (Judy, Laura, Chris), it's actually a detriment to me because I end up being less engaged.


• Passion.
  Being less engaged is bad for me, because naturally I am a passionate person. When I care about a topic, a person, anything... I want to dig deeper. I want to know the facts, the rumors, and examine from all angles. I'll ask obvious questions and confirm that I haven't made any bad assumptions. Contrarily, when I lack interest (or an allow myself to be lazy), I suffer from a BOREDOM that is a horrible punishment for me! Lacking passion in my life also allows my mind to go mushy. Yet, through leading a life of contentment (as opposed to aiming for happy) I let go of my passions. Having people in my life who are willing to push me, challenge me -- captivates my imagination and makes me a better person.


• Bull Dozer
  Yet, because I like being pushed, I had a bad habit of running people over. I've been described as being like a bull dozer because I am manipulative, I am bossy, spoiled, a princess, too smart for my own good... etc. etc. Obviously, none of which are good qualities. Nonetheless, the real reason I act that way is that the quality I hold dear with those special friends in my life, is when they won't let me get away with an easy answer. It makes me respect them when they're not willing to bow to whatever lame half-thought I share.

Despite all of these bad qualities, what I need more than anything is the security that I am loved by my friends and family. I want to know that my life story means enough to someone else that they want our stories to become intertwined, to take parallel paths, and twist and turn through our respective adventures. Thus, in just a few days, I will be returning to California... with a renewed sense of self. And a deeper desire to let my happiness run free.

So watch out. I just might hug ya, the next time I see ya!