Marriage

The book Gross National Happiness states, "It turns out that it is being married itself that makes people happier: If two people are exactly the same but one is married and the other is not, the married person will be 18 percentage points more likely than the unmarried person to say he or she is very happy."

One of my friends and I have often been questioned with "And why aren't you married?" A long hmmmmm implied in the look given, since we're both in our 30s. My response has varied over the years from "I'm too young" to "I'm not ready," or "I'm not that into you" to "I think you've got the wrong person." Though each answer is true; none are truly sufficient. Since the marriage topic has been posed to me, I've known I only want to marry once. No do-overs. No my bads. Once. So, I've wanted to explore my (and any potential partner's) understanding of marriage before committing to someone forever. Because, like the book says, a good marriage makes for happy people.

Unfortunately, my friend and I know a lot of people in unhappy marriages. For instance, my friend now is an acquaintance with a man -- who 13 years ago, they had been in love with one another. Today, he has 4 children by 3 different women, he "agreed" to marry his wife because it was the right thing to do. He hates his wife. He's miserable, she's miserable, and they are locked in a vicious cycle that reinforces that misery. Yet, they remain together for the kids, even though one has to wonder how this much negativity can be good for anyone.

The same book shows evidence that "while a good marriage can make life sweet, a bad one is almost singularly misery-provoking. A bad marriage even degrades the quality of one's health, because the body produces stress hormones in response to constant tension at home."

Though we're outside of the marriage gang, my friend and I have come to believe that successful marriages require a willing and loving giving of oneself (aka sacrifice), for your partner. Though this may sound onerous to anyone who has been raised believing the world circles around them; if you truly love someone to the point where you want to be with them forever, it'd be my hope that part of the joy you experience is through the happiness you create together. Indeed, I've been fortunate in that I've witnessed this sort of happiness with married friends.

For instance, Bob and Martha Stead are a couple that I have known since 1994. Retired now, Bob was a self-employed horologist and Martha was a school teacher near the SD-TJ border. Initial interactions with them might make you wonder what would have attracted them to one another. But after a bit of time, you come to realize that Bob indulges the social life of Martha, by his willingness to travel, meeting cousins 16-times removed, as part of her quest to document a genealogy tree. In turn, Martha indulges Bob's desire to be a hermit, tinker in the garage, and say "bah humbug" to passerbys. Together, they tickle one another's funny bone. Ultimately, I don't know the inner secret to their successful marriage, but their support one another seems to have been a key ingredient.

Likewise, I am inspired by the marriage of Noel and Rudy Adams-Mahal. Each had been married when they met, they had had their own children, their own lives, their own life trials... and there were SO MANY reasons (e.g., alimony, child support) why a relationship should not have been attempted. Yet, here they are 25 years hence, Noel the vibrant bubbling personality and Rudy the ever-diligent intellectual. They are truly an example of how a couple can complement one another, be a PARENT to one another's children, and inspire love and happiness to those around them.

So, although there have been times I have wished I had settled into a marriage earlier in my life, I'm happy that I didn't. I'm chipper about my relatively drama-free life and have faith that I'm following the right road for my pursuit of happiness.