Once upon a time, I was an asshole

As I often do, I was listening to a This American Life. This time the show was about people trying to overcome their bad reputations. The show sparked a memory / realization about myself that I would like to publicly confess:

Once upon a time, I was an asshole.

Some of my friends, like Dean and Scott, would contest this point. They would say, "No Alayne, you are still an asshole" and crack up laughing. And of course, that would resort to me making say some mean retort to them. A couple of Chris' friends (I'm thinking Charles, for instance), might say, "No Alayne, you're not an asshole, but you are a bitch." And inside I would feel regretful for the mean remarks that I have made in the past, and verbally try to make some small mea culpa to excuse that behavior... but, I'd still be labelled a bitch.

While listening to the show, I wondered if I am still an asshole. Here's the result of my assessment:

• Sign of Affection. My family likes to tease one another. It's supposedly a sign of affection. As a kid, I basically just figured I came from a family of jerks and that I would have to learn to live with it. As an adult, I find the entire thing more comical, especially when they really start to dig in.
• Defense Mechanism. In the past when I felt threatened, like a scared cat in the corner, I would lash out with a mean comment. The result would be whoever was cornering me would go away, the downside was that I would leave people with a bad impression. Now, when feeling threatened, I just tell whomever that I am feeling uncomfortable.

Overall I'm still a bit of a jokester, though I have been known to go too far every now and again. And I am more conscience of how others may perceive me, so I can reign in the bad behavior before I sometimes drop off the cliff. But, every now and again, my guard is down and I say something in jest that should only be shared between true friends.

My bad.