Judgement Call

In the past week I had a Judgment Call. I have spent my summer tucked away in a closet in San Francisco, researching office supply retailers for my company. I read countless annual reports, transcripts of calls, visited stores across the US, shopped on websites, purchased and returned goods, utilized their rebate functions, and interacted with countless service professionals to better understand whether any of these companies are a good investment. I projected their income statements, forecast my own earnings for each of the companies based on their guidance and my judgment. And minus the valuation of the stocks, had become quite comfortable in my views of whether these were companies worth investing in. Yet, without a valuation, I had no basis for recommending these stocks to the broader company.

So, with a 30-page paper written that included the returns, margins, and growth prospects of these businesses, I had the hard call to make with whether to press forward with presenting all of this research in an investment review. Ultimately, after speaking with my adviser and "open door," consulting with friends, and staring out into a Vegas night, I decided that it was not to be my fate to become an analyst. As much as I enjoy digging into the companies, projecting for myself the growth, and plan to utilize these research techniques for my own life, in the end I realized that my process and my ultimate recommendations were not in a format that would be useful to my company's investment process. The realization broke my heart. I cried when it was decided, I cried when I discussed what would come next, and I cried for the rest of the day as I pondered the effects of the decision.

Besides not being useful for the company, there was also something about being an analyst, which requires full dedication and absorption into the role, that I realized did not set well with my heart. A friend had suggested that it was my duty to make a ton of cash, so I could then do with it to create more good in the world. And I felt that call. But, it was not worth selling my soul. And when the analyst, after talking to me about not going forward handed me $200 and insisted despite my reservations and requests not to be given any money, that I realized that it was not the right environment for me. Her answer was that she was giving it to me as a friend; so I could go out and do something nice for myself. Buy myself something pretty. In this case, money did NOT make the situation better. Money couldn't solve anything. It wasn't a money issue. And I felt great relief in that action. The next day, I felt even better when I suggested that I would either return the money to her or donate the cash to donorschoose. Ultimately, we agreed that I would donate the cash, and in honor of the experience I donated the money to a school who needed basic office supplies (pens, paper, and pencils) for their school year.

That judgment call was hard. I walked away from a financially lucrative career for an unknown abyss in the midst of an economic downturn. Sure, economists are saying the recession is over. But last time I checked, if people still don't have jobs, even if the wealthy business owners are starting to make money again; until some of that good fortune trickles down to the rest of us -- "We have a problem Houston." Moreover, I don't even have a title that I can pursue with confidence. Say I want to be a "Project Manager" or a "Risk Management Specialist." All I can say is that I want to work with good people, as the glue within the group, to help move forward cross-department projects. What the fuck does that mean? Yet, since that decision I feel so much lighter. Certainly, I worry about my paychecks after October, but I have a made a decision that allows fate to be within my own hands. And that is a wonderful feeling.