Big Girls Don't Cry

On the train this morning, the pit in my stomach felt empty because I'm not over the emotional upheaval that was my Saturday. Saturday I returned to California.

When 30 minutes into the 4.5 hour flight from DC to LA, the pilot announced that ALL of the toilets on the plane were no longer flushing -- I thought to self, "I already knew this was going to be shitty, but really, did I need it literally as well?" The long plane ride gave me anxious time to reflect on my past 5 months in DC. Between the fulfilling work with Grameen Foundation, going to theater productions, meeting new people, and my forcing myself to sit still... I reconnected to myself on so many levels.

• Grameen: In 10 years of working in corporate, it's been rare to feel like I'm making a difference. Sure, I can help build systems that lower shareholder costs, improve a process to make someone's work easier, but to be a part to improving people's basic livelihood? Rare. Yet, most of my day-to-day work at Grameen was focused on exactly that task. Measuring the effectiveness of programs to help people get out of poverty, ensuring donors dollars didn't go to waste in travel expenses, and analyzing ways MFIs can better leverage their human capital... all of this work came with a purpose. I had the bonus of working alongside such interesting people (Mary Jo, Preeti, Sharlene, Michael, Jeff, Jen D., Ari, Kimberly, Liselle, Sherita... the list goes on!). It's hard to be back in LA purposeless for a couple of months.
• Theater: I love theater productions, yet I rarely treat myself in LA. Partially, it's because the price of productions is high downtown and the OC. However, now that I live on a metro train line, I need to make the effort to see more productions. The creativity in those shows stimulates a part of my brain that has felt dormant. So, starting with a charity production of Wicked in SD on Friday, I want more shows in my life.
• Time: Being in DC, forced me to reach out in ways I would not normally have done. Through facebook and this blog, I stayed in contact with friends. I cherished my friendships more and "threw away" money because my heart realized that time with the people I care about was more important than dollars -- even if that time only amounted to a few minutes. I even ran myself ragged because there wasn't enough time in my day to maintain those connections and take care of self. Yet, I threw myself in with abandon and still made time to hit the gym 2-3 times a week. Time seemed to open to my will.
• Physical Location: Nonetheless, when I landed in LA I felt trapped. I stepped off the plane realizing that I have lived in LA for 10 years. A place where initially I lived because it was relatively close to San Diego. Yet, now I own a condo here. Combine that with the long trek to Orange County to celebrate with my friends on Saturday night, and I knew that it's time to take stock in how my physical location plays into my mental state of being.
• Friends: Then Sunday morning, I woke up realizing that I had had a phone conversation with a friend's wife the night before. I had been accused of ruining their marriage and had been told not to contact him again. In turn, all I remember saying is "I just want to talk to him." I only reconnected with him within the past month, and he's been an amazing force to wake me up, remind me of my potential, and deal with some issues of my past. So, I'm distraught about this potential loss of a friend, especially since I wasn't even awake enough to express the true nature of the connection.
  

Back to this morning, on the train ride in, I heard a song by Fergie. It's rare for me to listen to words to a song, but for some reason these verses struck me, though probably not in the way that the songwriter intended.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine

Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers
And share our secret worlds

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself, and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

After listening to that I thought -- bullshit, big girls do cry. We cry when we've lost something special. We cry when we're happy. We cry because we feel joy. And though I agree that I continue to have some straightening up to do, I do want to play with my friends like a kid in a school yard -- but damn it -- it's my life and I'll cry if I want to.