where'd the self-esteem go?

Chris made a comment that made me teary-eyed, sad, and doubt my intelligence. But, I cannot be mad at him for it. As Katt Williams said, "no one can take your self-esteem away from you. It's esteem in yo' mudder-fucking self!" Therefore, Chris can't be responsible for hurting my esteem when I never took responsibility for developing that esteem in my self.

What happened to my self-confidence? Well, I never had it. I learned to maintain a sheer veneer that passed for self-confidence. In actuality, when given an award, I found the selection process laughable. Being good at something would as likely result in a pat on the back, as being shot down. Even the idea of graduating from an ivy league made me laugh that anyone would believe that that education would make me special.

In the last 2 weeks, I've been pissed with myself. I saw myself being deferential to the wants of others, even when the reasons didn't seem that reasonable:

1. I wanted the feedback from the owner of the project
2. I wanted to be nice
3. I was tired and wanted to follow the path of least resistance
4. I didn't have the confidence to just step up and express myself

Yet, with a moment to think about things, answers come easily to me. But even then, I'm fearful of coming off as arrogant, as a "know-it-all" -- characteristics I was raised to believe were bad attributes. Worse yet, when I hold back I get annoyed about the leaps in logic and time it will take for folks to come to a consensus. I can get frustrated by having to walk someone through my thought process. Yet, after 7 years I have heard repeatedly that if I let people be confused, and not take the time for the back-and-forth, then I'm at fault for not "building of a relationship." **Sigh**

This weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting a gentlemen named Gerald Taylor. A self-described late bloomer with a great sense of adventure. He currently works with a program called Close Up, has up and traveled to Costa Rica for a year on a whim, and is now debating the merits of sky diving. It was so refreshing to share in the stories of someone who wants to make a difference, someone who can struggle with intermittent "I coulda, shoulda," and yet who continues to have a good head on his shoulders.

After having a pleasant lunch with him, I came home and thought more about my own flaws. These "flaws" which I could look at with a different lens as strengths.

• Natural Introvert: I can be comfortable working alone, I can focus, and be self-directed. Since I have never liked telephones, I tend to reach out to communicate only to be a bit more meaningful. I like to be engaged in a conversation with others and move beyond superficial chit-chat. The downside is 'networking' and parties with unfamiliar crowds is not my taste.
• Nerd: I enjoy math and physics. I am thrilled at reading "Against the Gods: the remarkable story of risk" which chronicles the invention of numerals, economics, and probability theory. The downside is that I have no idea who is the latest celebrity that got married, nor have I read the latest People's magazine.

The list could go on. But, I next asked myself a series of questions:

• What would happen if I stopped being deferential?
• What if I just said what I believed was the truth upfront?
• What if I stopped worrying about what others would think "if I"?
• Would I be happier?
• Could I find my self-esteem hidden behind that thin veneer of confidence that barely cloaks my frustration?

With the little push by my managers, I finally started to see need to take a little more risk. I've taken a bit more risk, bit-by-bit. Like a reluctant turtle seeking her neck out of her shell. Now, I think I'm ready to take off a big bite and take a chance on seeing what the consequences will. Wish me luck!