anger

I had forgotten about anger.
Disappointment had gotten lost into the emotion of sadness
Dishonesty was muddled in the rationalized black-and-white letters of true or not true.
Instead, I dealt in the light-weight cousins of being peeved, being annoyed, being frustrated.
Being mad was too strong of an emotion; an emotion my flat-lined seratonin levels could not achieve.

But I saw the red-colored hue flare in my eyes this week,
Felt the flush of anger fill my cheeks,
And a fire start to burn in my chest.
I was pissed.
And I didn't know how to handle it.

I hadn't been raised to express when done-wrong.
I could whisper it, hint at it, but generally just suppressed it.
I could swallow anger, smile at it, and turn into tears,
Making my red face be passed off as nothing more than an emotionally fragile girl,
Not a threat to anyone, not a problem maker to others,
Any emotions I felt were just "my own" problems.
Nothing for YOU to worry about m'dear.

But this week I could feel that anger rise up and make itself known,
With its "fuck you, it ain't me, you're being an ass" cousin right in tow,
My emotions were ready to throw the baby out with the bath water for all the hurt I'd seen.

I walked away.
I let the coolness of the night calm my skin.
Allowed the wizened-old-rational side have a sit down with the hot-tempered-emotion, and set myself to balance.
And realized, if I haven't been able to truly be mad since I was 2, then it's no wonder when pressed I want to act like a toddler.
That the smallest slight sets me ablaze.

So, now I am remembering anger,
Appreciating its power,
Understanding its place in acknowledging my own needs
And letting anger be a new hue, in my colors of emotion.

-- Written 1/2/2014